please dont stop the music

i srsly need to gtfo of this house.
its killing me.
unfortunately, i need roomies bc rent is way too high uptown and i am not trying to live in metarie. basically, right now, just about everything in my life is bring me down. things are not how i want them and im pretty damn frustrated about the fact that i cant really do anything about it at the moment.
also, i need a fucking camera. and though my mother used and lost my $600 one that i loooved, she is basically refusing to replace it saying that its not lost, its around here, she just needs to find it. really? well itd be really fucking great if you could have found it sometime in the last like 5 months. i do not have another $600 to spend, not to mention, they dont even make that camera anymore and i dont really like any of the ones i am finding now bc they just arent as good.


tomorrow is the last of my four days off and i need something to do. i cant decide if what i need is alone time or a distraction. i guess i will see who is up to what tomorrow and just wing it from there. i really need to either talk to someone or just be completely left alone. tbh, i would really rather a distraction though. i def. dont want to end up a nutcase like poor britney. who is apparently having a breakdown as i type (the reason i know this.)
on a brighter note...
today was spa day, which i do every so often because im one of those girls who really likes facials and eyebrow waxing and stupid little things like that. so, i went to cvs & got like 4 different biore cleansers and strips, and i must say, the best product i have ever EVER used is the pore minimizing exfoliant. it works so incredibly well, you dont even know. me and lele used it tonight and your face ends up feeling and looking so soft and fresh and im pretty sure its my new beauty addiction. though i dont suggest using it often, bc you can FEEL it working (meaning you feel the burn as all that dead skin comes scraping off.)
i also watched some old episodes of what not to wear today and i really want to know what brand of spray foundation carmindy uses. i know dior has one, but to be honest, i dont really wear foundation enough to spend dior money on it and i dont think thats what she uses anyway. since im on the topic of looks and the such, i really wanna dye my hair red. ive wanted to dye my hair really super red for as long as i can remember, but i dont really have the skin tone to pull it off. im the lightest in my family, yes, but i think i have too much of a pinkish undertone to really look good as a red head. the general opinion has led me to believe that i look better with a darker (my natural) hair color anyway. its just frustrating because i like lots of change.
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HONESTLY
as much as i want to move, i should really probably just stay here and save my money until i can move out of this city and on to someplace thats more like me.
im thinking somewhere along the lines of new york or la. of course, i could always cross the pond but lord knows id die before i stay here long enough to save THAT much.
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What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are secretly sensitive, but you often put up a front. Shy and private, you yearn for security. You take relationships slowly. You need lots of reassurances before you can trust. If you don't get enough sleep, you are: Cranky and a big baby It's hard to sleep next to you because: You are a light sleeper

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

oh oh. yesterday the oscar nominees were announced and im sad to say, there are a lot of movies that were nominated that i havent seen yet. which is ok, because it just means that in the next month me and lele have to really get down to watching them so we can make some informed guesses when we go to the prytania for the oscar party again this year.

also, the strike better not interfere with my oscars. i look forward to that oscar party every year and its gonna suck if the show is cancelled and they do it all golden globes style.

:(

omg, did everyone hear about heath ledger? jordan called me and thats how i found out. it makes me so sad to see such talented people go so young. i feel really bad for his daughter and michelle williams. he has left behind a great body of work, and he will certainly be missed. i really hope the media respects his family, but i doubt it. i saw that tmz (& lots of others) had some kind of live news feed while they were wheeling his body out of the apartment, that kind of stuff is so sick and it really makes me angry. its disrespectful to both the deceased and their survivors. sometimes i really think that hollywood and all the hype surrounding celebrities brings out the absolute worst in humanity.

i need some new music to listen to.

eh. i am tired. my sleep schedule is all thrown off because of the crazy shift changes. ive literally worked at least one of every shift this week, plus had to stay four hours late one day. it sucks, but its necessary.
all of this though, is really pushing me to think about my future. about how i dont want a job like this my whole life.
its pushing me to save and work harder so that way i can be completely finished with school, get a job at a magazine or paper, and really start my career as a writer. i've started a little on some ideas for childrens books that ive had for a while and to be honest, its a lot harder to sit and write than it used to be for me. i guess because since ive been working here, ive almost completely quite writing because im always too tired or trying to fill up my off time with normal fun things that people my age get to do that i dont always have the chance to because of my work schedules for the past two years.
as a matter of fact, the lack of creative flow is what got me to start this blog. no more myspace blogs where i can pick and choose who can see what i have to say, and no more censoring myself so i dont hurt the feelings of people who may be reading it. this is my completely uncensored, tell it like it is place to write.
feedback is, of course, completely welcome as are comments but the way i figure it, i want to be a writer because i have something to say and i need to learn now that sometimes there will be things i say or feel that i want to take back, but thats not always going to be an option. so im re-learning how to stick by what i feel, even if my feelings change, because i need to own every part of me.
so i guess this will be my disclaimer blog....
if you dont want to know what i honestly feel or think about then dont read this blog because im not protecting anyone from my words. if im writing them, then i mean them.

xxx
star


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that being said... nothing particularly interesting has been going on lately.
ive been thinking a lot lately about loss, because devin lost her grandfather (rip), and so its been a rather rough few weeks for her and her family and for my head & heart. its like a rush of sympathy for everything im sure theyre going through and a resurgence of everything i felt when all of it happened to me. its not like im constantly sad or unable to function or anything like that, ive just been thinking about how you never really get over losing someone you love and what kind of damage carrying a weight like that around can do to a person.
i feel like a completely different person than i was three years ago but not in that, oh shes grown up kind of way, its more like i lost the connection to the person i was becoming before all of that happened. i was out on my own, doing things id never done before and then all of sudden its like i regressed into this lost soul that just fled back to the familiar and hasnt really been able to leave it due to fear.
i love being around my family and watching my sisters grow up and i like that i can be there for my mom, since she doesnt really have anyone else to rely on anymore, since all of her family lives 2-3 states away, its just that i thought i would be somewhere so different at this point in my life, and i feel like before my dad passed away i was really on my way to making it where i wanted to go and now i just dont know how or if i can pick myself up and get motivated to do that again. i just have this crippling fear that the day i finally do, something is going to happen and i am going to regret not being there when i should i have.

.....i dont know. im going to do some work stuff because im working audit tonight and tomorrow. i'll finish writing this later. or not. it depends on how i feel.

i want to write, but im too tired.
hopefully i remember everything in the morning.

all i want to say is this has been a surprising week for me as far as movies go.
i actually liked cloverfield & 300.
hm. who knows what else can happen?

no really, im going to see cloverfield.

lately ive just been tired. too tired to think or write or stress.
& tonight, instead of a late night spanish concert with my sissy, ive opted for a movie night with my sister.
tbh, i feel kind of bad because L made it sound like she expected me to not go, but whatever. i work, a lot, and this weekend i have all early morning shifts, so if i change my mind, im not gonna apologize for it. it just bugs me that the "i figured you wouldnt go" comment was supposed to make me feel bad.

anyway, im off for a nap before i go to the movie with ll & lexi.

xoxo


ps. all the name coding makes me feel like gossip girl.
can you tell the wga strike has me missing la television?

atonement

i finally got to see atonement today with lacey and lele. me and lacey picked lele up from work and then we all headed over to canal place for the afternoon show, and i must say it was a really nice time. the movie itself however, has really struck a chord with me for some reason. it was so sad and real and its just one of those stories thats really affected me-- to the point that im awake at almost three a.m. because i was redreaming the movie (does that every happen to anyone else?).

--SPOILERS--
do not read past this if you havent seen it yet.

i think what made it so sad was that nothing really worked out for anyone. the thing about a story like this is that you think there would be a antagonist and a protagonist but there really isnt, because the fact of the matter is, that you can excuse and identify with both sisters. as much as i would have hated briony if she had done to me what she did to celia and robbie, she was young, and she obviously felt that she was protecting her sister from the things she had witnessed and didnt understand. on the other hand, you can see it from cecilia's point of view, that her sister who was clearly a young lady and not completely child-like at the time, basically ruined her chance at love and the rest of both her and robbie's lives because she was niave, assuming, and probably even jealous.
then, to make it even more tragic at the end when briony is explaining how things really ended up you realize that sometimes the things you do can not always be undone and that sometimes the decisions you make can change everything. its sad to see that everyone in the story is left longing for a resolution that they would never get. robbie and cecilia never got their chance at happiness, while briony spent the rest of her life unable to attain forgiveness.



i really want to read this book now.

im listening to brazilian music

im not really sure what i want to write about on here yet.
to be honest, i forgot that i'd even signed up for this.
anyway, just give me some time, im sure something interesting is bound to happen today.
& if it doesnt, you can just read about whatever im thinking about.