i need some new music to listen to.

eh. i am tired. my sleep schedule is all thrown off because of the crazy shift changes. ive literally worked at least one of every shift this week, plus had to stay four hours late one day. it sucks, but its necessary.
all of this though, is really pushing me to think about my future. about how i dont want a job like this my whole life.
its pushing me to save and work harder so that way i can be completely finished with school, get a job at a magazine or paper, and really start my career as a writer. i've started a little on some ideas for childrens books that ive had for a while and to be honest, its a lot harder to sit and write than it used to be for me. i guess because since ive been working here, ive almost completely quite writing because im always too tired or trying to fill up my off time with normal fun things that people my age get to do that i dont always have the chance to because of my work schedules for the past two years.
as a matter of fact, the lack of creative flow is what got me to start this blog. no more myspace blogs where i can pick and choose who can see what i have to say, and no more censoring myself so i dont hurt the feelings of people who may be reading it. this is my completely uncensored, tell it like it is place to write.
feedback is, of course, completely welcome as are comments but the way i figure it, i want to be a writer because i have something to say and i need to learn now that sometimes there will be things i say or feel that i want to take back, but thats not always going to be an option. so im re-learning how to stick by what i feel, even if my feelings change, because i need to own every part of me.
so i guess this will be my disclaimer blog....
if you dont want to know what i honestly feel or think about then dont read this blog because im not protecting anyone from my words. if im writing them, then i mean them.

xxx
star


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that being said... nothing particularly interesting has been going on lately.
ive been thinking a lot lately about loss, because devin lost her grandfather (rip), and so its been a rather rough few weeks for her and her family and for my head & heart. its like a rush of sympathy for everything im sure theyre going through and a resurgence of everything i felt when all of it happened to me. its not like im constantly sad or unable to function or anything like that, ive just been thinking about how you never really get over losing someone you love and what kind of damage carrying a weight like that around can do to a person.
i feel like a completely different person than i was three years ago but not in that, oh shes grown up kind of way, its more like i lost the connection to the person i was becoming before all of that happened. i was out on my own, doing things id never done before and then all of sudden its like i regressed into this lost soul that just fled back to the familiar and hasnt really been able to leave it due to fear.
i love being around my family and watching my sisters grow up and i like that i can be there for my mom, since she doesnt really have anyone else to rely on anymore, since all of her family lives 2-3 states away, its just that i thought i would be somewhere so different at this point in my life, and i feel like before my dad passed away i was really on my way to making it where i wanted to go and now i just dont know how or if i can pick myself up and get motivated to do that again. i just have this crippling fear that the day i finally do, something is going to happen and i am going to regret not being there when i should i have.

.....i dont know. im going to do some work stuff because im working audit tonight and tomorrow. i'll finish writing this later. or not. it depends on how i feel.