so ive been to see twilight & i actually liked it.
does that make me a bad person?

pick your class, pick your crime.

so lately ive come to realize some crazy things. like all of these things that i always thought were for everyone else, actually arent. that i can kind of be a part of all of that if i want to do, which im not sure if i do yet, but its nice to kinda know that its pretty much always been an option if i would have just opened my eyes a little more. lalala. i dunno. random, but i know what im talking about & thats all that matters. :P
ive also come to realize lately that im really the only one holding myself back, that even though im doing the things im doing so that way i can help out when i need to, i dont really have the pressure to do that. ive been putting myself on the back burner even though no one really ever asked me to do that and realizing that maybe they dont need me as much as i thought, is kind of a good thing. so i have every intention of going to school in the spring/summer no matter if i get financial aid or not. i will do loans if i have to. im already in debt so i might as well keep it adding up so that i at least get an education and not just a bitchin wardrobe out of the deal.
also, people really piss me off. i never really discussed the election or anything bc i know how sensitive of a subject it can be, but since obama has won i feel like all of these terrible things and ideas have crawled out of deeply burried holes in some people i would consider friends and its kind of disheartening bc i feel like hating someone so much and with such conviction before he even takes office means that youre not hating him just because of his politics bc he hasnt even had the chance to show us what he can do yet. its coming from somewhere else and that scares me; to know that a few people on some of my friend lists have these feelings, whether they acknowledge them or not, sucks bc ive always thought that my friends were the best but i guess its impossible always to really know people.

ps. CONOR IN TWO DAYS!!!

& girls just wanna have fuh-un

so im totes a night owl. i never get to bed before 3 am anymore and its sooo not cool.
i mean, it is cool when im having fun or out, not so fun when im just here listening to music playing on the internet & essentially just wasting hours away. wtf, right?
anyway, today i had this crazy random talk with my mother about some of things that have happened in our family, my dad, and the passing of other people and ugh, i dont know. it was very emotional and i was completely drained before i even went to work. lucky for me we are in our slow time of the year so it was a piece of cake. and i made $30 on a particularly slow evening.
i feel bad for lauren & her family but it kind of seems like she has the same attitude now as i had about my memaw, which is weird bc i always believed that grief was so different and indivual that it couldnt be understood by anyone else... maybe i was wrong. or maybe im projecting my feelings about my situation onto laurens so that way i can try to help her better. ugh i dunno. tooooo much thinking tonight.
i cant wait til thursday. i know i just saw co&tmvb in austin in like september but im kinda really excited bc i just love this cd and he is just as lovely as ever and i think me and the lelers could use some good ol sister bonding time.
that being said.... i really want to see the killers soon too. ive only seen them once at memphis in may like a century and a half ago and with this new cd coming out & the brandon flowers rendition of girls just wanna have fun floating around youtube, i NEED to see them on this next tour. so im trying to convince someone to roadtrip it with me but im pretty sure it might not happen bc the only person i think would be remotely interested is lele & shes poor like me these days. ugh. fucking bills suck.

"just remember you called it all bullshit."

so tonight has been uneventful but very interesting.

erin came over and we karaoked and went to meet the saints players (lance moore is a hottie for real.) but i mean socially thats it, so it wasnt like some night to never forget. but i did enjoy it. its crazy how fun it can be to really just chill and have a night at home doing stupid childish things with someone else. no matter how close you may be to them. anyway, all of this led me to have a chill night alone. which for me basically ends up being a cocktail night with music and dancing in my room alone and uninhibited. anyway i pulled out my magazines, clippings, and notebook to make an entry ive been thinking of making for quite some time but have never really felt like making. instead of the long drawn out philosophy ive been going over in my head whilst in the shower for the past few weeks i summed it all up in some cute, bold, clashing collage and a single line "i never want to the be the same person twice". i got to thinking about this a few weeks ago when i was watching madonna on paladia hdtv and i was, obviously, thoroughly enjoying her performance bc i basically love Madonna and everything she does. and i kinda came to the realization that the reason i admire her so much is because she has "reinvented" herself so many times in her career. once i started thinking about all the people shes been over the years i started to realize that we kinda share the same basic principles. she never held herself back from being who she really wanted. shes always found new interests and beliefs and adapted to them, but not really in a commercial way to sell herself out. she has just always been who she is at that time and never let herself get comfortable with just one persona. thats the kind of person i want to be. i want to be the kind of person who isnt afraid to try new things or meet new people or really go out on a limb to see what she can learn and what she has still has yet to discover in the world. i like who i am now. i like being a good big sister to sarah and bella, and i like getting to be lele's friend and not just her older sister who's room she wants to hang out in. i like seeing all three of them develop into their own people and go though the dilemmas of middle school and make friends and start relationships that could very well last forever. i like being the friend that is there at 3 am if you need to call her, and i love being the one who plans 2 people parties that revolve around gossip girl and karaoke. i like that im still relatively young and that even though im not as focused as i probably should be im still living my life the way i want to, with the people i want to. i hope that im never too afraid to take a risk , or be stupid, or try something new and out of character, and i never want to live up to peoples expectaions and be exactly the person they always thought i would be. i want my life to be passionate, and ever changing, and magical, and i hope when im old (or maybe even young) and dying that i dont regret not taking chances that were presented to me. and more than anything i love that all of this has really been summed up in two pages in this notebook that i really update less and less frequently as the years go by but that i hope can carry me through the rest of my life and document all the changes that i will encounter. and its vague and will not have much meaning to anyone other than me, but i am glad i have it.

and i love how this turned from a praising entry of madonna into a random mention of my notebook.
vodka and cranberry splash free will do that to you.

;)



self portrait from tonight with above mentioned notebook & toastie the bear.

so halloween was amazing this year. i was blair from gossip girl but im pretty sure most people just thought i was a school girl. whaaaatever i was still cute. i got called juvie all night by someone at roseys party on saturday... that was definitely a highlight. i would have pictures but since i hate my current camera i didnt take any so im waiting on my friends to send them to me.
i cant wait to vote tomorrow. im so excited!!! im probably gonna try to go early bc it is going to be insane, i just know it. i am off of work though, which is a good thing. i kind of hate that place these days. i love most of the people i work with, im just like really over the hotel industry. anyway, back to voting... ive seen bruce springsteen performances like 4 times on cnn over the past few weeks bc hes all yay obama. its heaven. im glad i went to the tulane rally earlier this year bc i really have a feeling hes gonna get it (god help us if he doesnt) and i think that seeing him speak for myself gave me the oppurtunity to kind of read him, and i just really feel that he is the right person at the right time for this country.
on another not, i want to go back to school and kind of figure out what i want to do with my life. i was like 100% sure i wanted to do english a year or so ago, but im not really feeling it anymore. partly bc ive stopped reading as much as i was, but i mean money wise too. i dont want to be poor. i know thats terrible to say, but id really like to live in new york and have all these nice things and just have the means to do everything that i really want to in life and i just dont know if an english degree will really help me all that much. i feel like if im spending time and money on a diploma itd be more practical to do something that would make me a lot of money. ive been thinkin of prosthetics bc well my dad made a nice living for us all and since i never plan to have children, other than june li, it would be nice. plus ive been around it enough to know a little about what you have to do, the kind of hours you put in and its something that im comfortable around. at the same time i feel like id be selling out by doing something i dont absolutely love or have passion for. who knooooows. i guess this is the kind of thing everyone has to go through at some point. i just know that i dont want to take another two years to figure it out.
im also trying my very hardest to not look at all these who dies on gossip girl spoilers but its killing me. srsly. i think its rufus :( thatd kill.