"just remember you called it all bullshit."

so tonight has been uneventful but very interesting.

erin came over and we karaoked and went to meet the saints players (lance moore is a hottie for real.) but i mean socially thats it, so it wasnt like some night to never forget. but i did enjoy it. its crazy how fun it can be to really just chill and have a night at home doing stupid childish things with someone else. no matter how close you may be to them. anyway, all of this led me to have a chill night alone. which for me basically ends up being a cocktail night with music and dancing in my room alone and uninhibited. anyway i pulled out my magazines, clippings, and notebook to make an entry ive been thinking of making for quite some time but have never really felt like making. instead of the long drawn out philosophy ive been going over in my head whilst in the shower for the past few weeks i summed it all up in some cute, bold, clashing collage and a single line "i never want to the be the same person twice". i got to thinking about this a few weeks ago when i was watching madonna on paladia hdtv and i was, obviously, thoroughly enjoying her performance bc i basically love Madonna and everything she does. and i kinda came to the realization that the reason i admire her so much is because she has "reinvented" herself so many times in her career. once i started thinking about all the people shes been over the years i started to realize that we kinda share the same basic principles. she never held herself back from being who she really wanted. shes always found new interests and beliefs and adapted to them, but not really in a commercial way to sell herself out. she has just always been who she is at that time and never let herself get comfortable with just one persona. thats the kind of person i want to be. i want to be the kind of person who isnt afraid to try new things or meet new people or really go out on a limb to see what she can learn and what she has still has yet to discover in the world. i like who i am now. i like being a good big sister to sarah and bella, and i like getting to be lele's friend and not just her older sister who's room she wants to hang out in. i like seeing all three of them develop into their own people and go though the dilemmas of middle school and make friends and start relationships that could very well last forever. i like being the friend that is there at 3 am if you need to call her, and i love being the one who plans 2 people parties that revolve around gossip girl and karaoke. i like that im still relatively young and that even though im not as focused as i probably should be im still living my life the way i want to, with the people i want to. i hope that im never too afraid to take a risk , or be stupid, or try something new and out of character, and i never want to live up to peoples expectaions and be exactly the person they always thought i would be. i want my life to be passionate, and ever changing, and magical, and i hope when im old (or maybe even young) and dying that i dont regret not taking chances that were presented to me. and more than anything i love that all of this has really been summed up in two pages in this notebook that i really update less and less frequently as the years go by but that i hope can carry me through the rest of my life and document all the changes that i will encounter. and its vague and will not have much meaning to anyone other than me, but i am glad i have it.

and i love how this turned from a praising entry of madonna into a random mention of my notebook.
vodka and cranberry splash free will do that to you.

;)



self portrait from tonight with above mentioned notebook & toastie the bear.